February 2012, I went to the doctor for a check-up as Brenton and I thought we were pregnant. We'd held off on sending Valentines as we were going to send belated gifts announcing our pregnancy... however, our story changed.
Oddly before our 8 week appointment, I'd seen a number of nurses and one doctor that all reinforced miscarriages were common and to not feel guilty were we to have one. I took it all in lightly as I didn't really think it would happen to us. If you've had a child before, you know that you normally do not see anyone prior to your 8-12 week appointment. Again, at the time, I did not think much about the fact but looking back, I think it was God preparing me.
The first ultrasound (8 weeks) was bit akward as the doctor didn't say much during the ultrasound and then told us that there was no baby. As she gave Brenton and I a little time together, she said she wanted to talk to us before we left. Not sure what to expect, knowing there was more news and a little numb, from a nagging before the ultrasound that there may not be a baby, I held it together. The ultrasound showed there was no child but there was an abnormal growth, what the doctor thought could be a mole... and could mean we had a molar pregnancy. I was taken in for a D&C within a week, as they wanted to look at the make-up of the growth. Thankfully, it was determined to be just a miscarriage.
I don't say that to be heartless, but the doctor had braced us for having to monitor my body for a year to make sure there were no other moles or regrowths. The doctor left out the part that the growths can be cancerous, but if curiosity gets you like it does me, it is "Google" time when you get home from your appointment. I will say, that possibilities of the next year weighed heavily on me the two weeks we waited on surgery and the lab report. I was in a drug store when they called to tell me it was a regular miscarriage. It was almost as if the miscarriage had been forgotten, as it was jumbled with all the other news. I don't know that I really grieved the miscarriage, considering all the above. I definitely think it would have been harder had we shared with everyone prior to the news. It felt like life had been handed over to me again once we found out I was fine and healthy; it was a huge burden released. We still had the opportunity to have kids.
I don't share this to make everyone hurt or grieve for us. Just after our miscarriage, we got pregnant with our one and a half year old, Riley. I can't imagine life without her. She is our constant joy as life has shared other struggles since the miscarriage.
To other mothers who have had a miscarriage or who are currently in this struggle, "I'm sorry." I know everyone's experience is different and that words will not ease your pain. Know that you are not alone; many others are sharing in this hurt and understand your longing to hold your little one. Hopefully, you can find rest in knowing your child is in Heaven and adopted by God, the Father, just waiting to meet you. The book "Heaven is for Real", was helpful in my healing process; if you are up for a quick read.
